Some thoughts on relationships
An old friend of mine is going through some relationship troubles right now. Their pain inspired me to write down some of the thoughts I've had about relationships over the last several years.
I'm not the easiest person to live with. I wasn't always good at being in a relationship. But having made some mistakes, and having learned to have a successful relationship with Miz Becky, I think I'm much better at it than I used to be.
None of this is rocket science. Most of it will probably sound obvious. The fundamental point I want to communicate is that being in a relationship is hard work, one of the two hardest things I've ever tried to do in my life (the other one being coming to terms with myself, which I expect to be working on for the rest of my life).
Over the last several years I've grown to understand the wisdom of one of my parents' comments at their 25th wedding anniversary celebration. They were asked, by their much-divorced circle of friends, how they had stayed together all that time.
Without prior rehearsal, they immediately looked each other in the eye and said "Low expectations!"
At the time I thought it was just funny, but as I've spent more time doing the hard work of keeping a relationship going I've grown to understand their comment better.
Fundamentally, what "low expectations" means is that the person you're married to is a human being. They're not perfect. Neither are you. And despite any illusions the two of you may have to the contrary, love doesn't get rid of all problems: it makes them more intense.
Your relationship won't always be deeply passionate and romantic; sometimes you'll spend days or even weeks feeling more like roommates. That's OK. It doesn't mean "the love is dead" or some such romance novel crap. You just need to spend some time being together, and allowing yourselves to re-integrate into each other's lives. Miz Becky and I have "couch time" a couple of times a week, where we sit and just hang out for an hour or more. We don't always talk; and when we do, it's not always or even usually about Big Issues. The point is for us to be together and to be ourselves. We're not reading, we're not watching TV, we're just being present together.
The other person will not always be on their best behavior. Sometimes they'll be a raging asshole, and it will hurt worse because you love them. You're hurting them, too, sometimes, and you don't always know when it's happening. You have to tell each other that's happening. Not right away (usually) -- too easy for it to become a fight. And not too long after whatever happened -- you want both people to remember it, and you don't want to chew on it for too long by yourself.
Don't, as they say, sweat the petty things. There are many little ways that Becky and I work around each other's trivial annoyances. Don't fight over the toothpaste flavor, or how you should squeeze it: Get two tubes. Don't fight over what movie you want to rent: trade off. It's not that important.
On the other hand, there are some things -- even things that sound stupid -- that are really important. Let your partner know what they are. For example, occasionally when I came into the room and Becky was on the phone, she used to not look up. For some reason, that makes me incredibly angry. It's not rational, it doesn't make sense, but it's how I respond. I explained to Becky that I needed her to just look up at me -- not interrupt her call, just look up at me and acknowledge my existence. Now, no problem. She's slightly adjusted her behavior, at no cost to her, and great benefit to our relationship.
As you grow to trust each other the surface personality traits that you were able to overlook will turn out to be the tips of great icebergs of personal issues. Again, this is OK. Your partner is learning the same kinds of things about you. This doesn't mean that they are fatally flawed, or that you are. Everyone has issues like this. That is, in some ways, why you're in a relationship (sociobiological urges to nest and reproduce notwithstanding): it gives you a safe space to deal with these problems.
Finally, none of this works unless it's a partnership. You both have to commit to being open and honest, to being non-judgemental, and to being non-defensive. Don't treat a problem as a personal attack, or as the end of the world. Every problem has a solution. Work on it together.
Like I said, none of this is rocket science. It is hard work, though. And it's one of the most rewarding things to do there is.
rfkj, on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 at 7:34 AM:
Good thoughts. To them, I would add two things.
The first is, a relationship isn't a competition. It's not a matter of "I get mine and you get yours and for every hour of x, there better be an hour of y." This was one of the hardest things for us to learn--and we're still learning it, to be honest.
The second is a paraphrase of an article I read not that long ago--I wish I could remember who wrote it, or where I read it. Here goes; I'm sorry that my version sounds a little more Hallmark than the generally well-written original.
All too often, we act like we've only got a limited number of apologies inside us, and that we need to hoard them all, lest one slip out and somehow diminish us as people. Don't do that. Just say "I'm sorry," even if it's not your fault--even if he's the one who leaves his clothes all over the floor, or she's the one who leaves dirty dishes all over the place. And don't say "I'm sorry you feel that way," either, because that's tantamount to "I'm sorry you're such a jerk" and that's not the goal. Just saying "I'm sorry" starts the process, and you'll probably get a "Me, too" and you can go from there.
It helps to set a foundation for that trust, communication, and partnership of which you speak. It won't magically make everything okay, but it can help it start to get there.
(It's like that cell-phone commercial for text messaging, where the couple is having a fight and neither of them is looking at the other, and he sends her a text message while she's in a meeting. We don't know who's fault it is, or what they were fighting about, and it doesn't matter.)
I also like what you had to say about having "couch time". It was a shock after Lani was born how stressful everything was, and because both of us were forced to have such radically different sleep schedules, we basically didn't talk for a LONG time beyond "Good morning" and "See you at five" and "Have a good day". So the stress just built and built and built until it exploded, and we realized that all we needed was that time together to talk--fifteen minutes, half an hour, whatever, every day.
Thanks, man. Good stuff.
Hannah, on Wednesday, September 8, 2004 at 11:47 PM:
That is good solid stuff. And I couldn't agree with you more.
Talking is paramount - talking about nothing, about everything, about whatever fleeting thought is going through your mind.
You've touched on things that I've thought about for a long time. As has "rfkj" - it has taken me a long time to learn how to apologise. Amazingly, I could do this in my nowhere-near perfect relationships. I think because I was so desperate to make it work and if it didn't that was my fault. Learning to apologise and admit true wrong in an equal and loving relationship has been much harder as it is truly accepting responsibility, it's not just a bandaid.
The one thing I have learnt (and am still working on), and kind of fits with your "low expectations" advice is acceptance. I cannot stress how important this is. And it's hard, accepting different things about someone (those things that are different from you) sometimes needs to be done on a daily balance. In a relationship, without even realising it, you challenge the other person.
When you love someone, you accept someone. They may do things differently from you, they may work on a different timeline, they may not react the way you want them to - but that's OK.
You CANNOT change someone - no matter how much you will it, no matter how much you think "I just wish...". You cannot make a person into person B when they're person A.
Those things around the edges of a person is what makes them interesting. And I think if your partner actually did change, it just wouldn't feel right. Absolutely, some behaviours can be modified (eg looking up from the phone)but the person can't.
And yes, relationships are hard work. And definitely, definitely worth it.
Love, accept.